I had a little chat with the twins* this morning which went something like this:

"Right kidleewinks, tomorrow is Father's Day. And before you start banging on, going "oh Dad it's just another assault on the consumer, a jigsaw piece in the sordid cycle of capitalism, it's like totally against my principles" I'm telling you this right now. Shut it, you brats. If for one day of the year (as opposed to all the other days), Dads across the land can legitimately spend a whole day in the garden, sleeping, reading the paper, drink beer and fart without reprisal then I am all for it. So I don't want any nonsense tomorrow you hear? If I want anything at all, I want you to cook me a steak and cook me that steak rare. Dunno how? Well here's a quick trick.

First of all make sure the steak is at room temperature and well seasoned. Heat a pan on the hob until it's hot as buggery. Thwack the steak in. After about a minute and half, flip it over. Whilst the second side is cooking, open your hand like this:

See that squiggy mound just under your thumb, well gypsy fortune tellers call that your 'Mount of Venus', this is going to be your point of reference. Pinch your first finger and thumb together and prod it. And then prod the steak. They should both have the same give and softness of touch, this is how a rare steak should feel like. Once you've got there, take it out of the pan and leave to rest for five minutes. Now you might have taken your eye off the ball for a minute and left the steak in tad longer than you should have done. Pinch your second finger and thumb together, feels a bit tighter yes? But hey we're at medium-rare, I can live with that, get it out of that pan and leave to rest for five minutes. What do you mean you want to put Toy Story on? No you're not paying attention and if you let your mind wander like that, then where going to end up at medium which I can just about live with. Go on pinch your third finger and thumb together, so that's what medium is going to feel like, you won't totally spoil my day but you might have to go to offie to get me 20 Rothmans to make up for it. That's a good point, try to go to the potty before you start cooking the steak because if you decide to go halfway through and you end up spending more than five minutes trying to squeeze out a poo poo then my steak is going to end up as tough as arseholes, like the palm of a Gruffalo's hand and seriously, Daddy will not be happy about this. And for further point of reference, my steak should be caramelised like this And be as rare and bloody as this.

Now kids, you've got one shot at this and if you get it right, you'll make Daddy a very happy man. If you mess this up, you are grounded for three months with no pocket money or CBeebiesC. Got that? OK, now run along and go play in the garden, I've got to study the form for the 2:14 at Kempton."

The steak in the photographs is in fact a 32oz rump that Morrisons are selling for Father's Day. If you decide to get one of those for the ol' man then I would consider grilling for about five minutes on either side for to get it that rare and rest for at least 10 minutes in a warm oven.

*Isla and Fin are 3 years of age